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Harvesting the humor

December 22, 2017
By KAREN SCHWALLER - Farm News staff writer , Farm News

And now, a few thoughts about the funny things the harvest teaches us. Stay tuned for a more reflective, life-application one in the weeks ahead.

- When you don't know what you're doing, everyone else does. It's the age-old standard about small town life, but it also applies to life in the field. There is no hiding a grain cart boombie everyone can see that pile of corn on the ground next to the truck.

Usually that ill-placed pile is along a main highway, of course.

- Enough with the scales. The farm wife does enough to battle the bathroom scale, let alone now having to manage the scale in the grain cart tractor and at the elevator. More than once this harvest season as we were hauling to the bins and keeping track of volume, my husband asked, "Did you write your weight down?"

He's lucky we were harvesting.

- If you are driving wagons, a grain cart or a truck, there is always someone waiting to dump on you. Although this kind of dumping is in the literal sense, and is necessary for the job to be completed, I think I'm pretty safe to say that many a farm wife has been 'dumped on' in the 'yelling' sense. A farm wife I know didn't take it from her husband-she walked away from her field duties, not to return for the rest of the day.

She was like the Statue of Liberty for farm wives everywhere that day.

- Maturity isn't for weenies. I can tell from my mission in the corn fields that these stalks that once were green and lush are now brown and stripped of height and leaves from old age and the wind. It's a ghastly reminder of what isn't that far away for me. Seeing the shriveled remains of the stalks also reminded me that we were out of prunes.

- The tassel still reigns. The tassel's main job of pollinating is relatively short-lived, but nonetheless, important. But what's it supposed to do after it has fulfilled its duties? It switches roles, that's what. It becomes a pointy crown on top of the stalk. So when the pollen has all been distributed, she straightens her crown and hangs on for the season-long wild ride.

- Finding each other in life can be a challenge. But out in the field it is necessary. We were harvesting in a field that was quite hilly this year, and after I finished loading the truck, I started my trek back to the combine, only to find that it appeared I was in the field alone. A simple, "Marco!" into the radio resulted in a reply of "Polo!" as my husband came over the crest of the hill. Who says hide-and-seek games are just for the kiddies?

- Tractor clutches could be the next big thing in fitness. During harvest I have to stretch out when loading the trucks to keep the clutch and brakes where they need to be. If I had started that job in the fourth grade like our sons did, imagine how sleek my thighs would be by now.

I've had incidents in the fields over the years that have made my hams pucker and tighten up on demand, too. They don't give these farm fitness jobs to chimps.

- Some chocolate in the tractor is a little slice of heaven.

- Some chocolate in the tractor is Satan.

- Sometimes cussing is just plain necessary.

And from the files of, "How Can I Occupy My Mind While Waiting For the Combine?":

- What kind of dishes you give to a farmer? (Corningware)

- How far in rank a farmer can go in the military? (Kernel)

And you didn't think you'd learn anything by reading this piece, did you?

Karen Schwaller is a Farm News correspondent from Milford. Reach her by e-mail at kschwaller@evertek.net and www.karenschwaller.com.

 
 

 

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